When the sun goes down at 4pm and the air becomes too cold to justify putting any effort into your outfits, one beloved hobby emerges from the corners of Tarot.com and Tumblr: astrology. Sure, everyone knows their usual sign - but out of nearly 100 known constellations, only 12 are ever utilized in this strange game of pseudo-psychology.
Fortunately, we've compiled a list of 12 lesser-known signs and their monthly horoscopes, so you no longer have to wonder trivial things like "what should I do with my life?" and "when will my father return from buying cigarettes?"
We asked Primary Goods' resident Underground Astrology expert and VP of customer sign assignments, Kevin, to give us some tips on how to remain the center of attention when all your other friends are boasting about their boring, traditional star signs.
Scutum (Oct 23- Nov 24) - born between the death of the last mosquito in the Midwest and the birth of the first "lose that holiday weight!" ad campaign. If there's one thing you Scutums are known for, it's your obsession with aquatic fowl. Kevin recommends implementing some sort of mallard-esque dish into your bedtime beauty routine to ensure that you awaken each morning with a renewed lease on life, especially as the cold air starts to dry out your skin.
Pictor (Nov 25 - Dec 26) - born right after Taylor Swift's heartwrenching new album drops: Everyone knows that Pictors are terrified of Red Dye #8, but a little-known fact about these mildly psychopathic instigators is that they're also scared of processed sugar. Pictors, it's time to face your fears this holiday season and try a candy cane. Just one. Trust us.
Vuplecula (Dec 27 - Jan 16) - born when confetti and party hat sales hit rock bottom: This oft-overlooked Fox constellation has the worst of both worlds: it's past gift-giving season, and it's in the shape of the most useless forest creature. Stand tall, Vupleculas. We don't have any real advice, but just...hang in there, we guess?
Apus (Jan 17- Feb 18) - born ruining everyone's fun by saying some stupid sh!t like, "it's just a Hallmark holiday!": Honestly, Apus? Why do you even come here? Point one of your two faces in the direction of the nearest dumpster and hop in. Ugh.
Canes Venatici (Feb 19 - March 21) - born when a few sunny days melt the snow and give you blue balls for your mood : The world is your oyster, Canes Venatici. Also known as the Hunting Dogs, these flea-ridden dreamers thrive best in the colder months, when it's more socially acceptable to go weeks without shaving. Fight the power, CVs. No one else is gonna do it. Certainly not Apuses.
Camelopardalis (March 22- April 23) - born between National Steak and BJ Day and National English Muffin Day: The Camelopardalis, or Giraffes of the Sky, have had a rough year. As such, they are best suited for a major life change. Might we suggest some kind of subscription service?
Cetus (April 24 - May 25) - born between your weird cousin's gender reveal party and your other weird cousin's college graduation: This month spells trouble for the Sea Monster sign, whose biggest weaknesses include corn straight out of the husk, dogs with misshapen heads, and the eyes of a stranger on the morning train.
Dorado (May 26 - June 27) - born between label-invented celebrity rap feuds: Worry not, sweet Swordfish sign. There's a place for everyone at the Thanksgiving table. Even if that place is the large silver serving dish between the yams and peas.
Lupus (June 28- July 29) - born during peak "cry in a Target dressing room wearing nothing but a tankini that's two sizes too small" season: The holidays can be a very isolating time for the Wolf sign, whose howls are cut short by coughing, sneezing, and sniffling throughout the night. Make a warm cup of chamomile tea with lots of honey, take two Nyquil, and call us in the morning.
Triangulum Australe (July 30 - August 31) - born when Staples ad campaigns crawl out of the woodwork and you remember how badly you needed a new pencil sharpener: Known as the people who always send the best gifts for Secret Santa, these obscenely wealthy socialites are in for a wild ride when they're paired with the office mattress. What sort of glitch must have occurred to include a piece of bedroom furniture in a game meant exclusively for humans? We're not sure. Tune in next week to find out.
Puppis (September 1- October 2) - born after the first "I miss winter" comment and before the first "wait never mind" comment : The most precious of star signs, we just...they're just...oh my god, what kind of breed? They're soooo cute! Can we hold them?
Boötes (October 3 - 22) - born once flannel and denim stop being associated with the deep South and start being associated with cool New Yorkers: With their penchant for long walks in the snow and sleet and salt, there's only one thing these festive fellows want for Christmas: gloves. You're welcome.
Use this newfound knowledge wisely. Kevin's boundless wisdom will return next month. Subscribe to stay tuned and find out what each Secondary Star Sign's New Years Resolution will be.